we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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