you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
