Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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