Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
