Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize