youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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