really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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