I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
