Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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