Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
