You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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