my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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