I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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