Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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