So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
