Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
