I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
