The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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