He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
