Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
