I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
