Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
