She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
