If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
