I wish I could teleport
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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