sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
