It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
