Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
