I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
do nipples grow back?
Randomize