Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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