My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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