you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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