My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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