so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
