i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
