oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just want to make out with him forever
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
