omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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