Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Randomize
