the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
