Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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