God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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