I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
