I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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