i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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