chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
