I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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