The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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