Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
