question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
