I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
