a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
