You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
