awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
