The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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