I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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