Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
