A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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