sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
