So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
